In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
