He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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