He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
