I wish I could teleport
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Randomize
