I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
