My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
that's an acceptable place to lick
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
