drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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