I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I won't apologize to a one balled man
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Randomize
