I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
