I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I still have a little drunk in my system
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
