I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
