Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
