You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
