Dude my mom stole all your condoms
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
