Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
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