everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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