awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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