The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
