I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
