whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Text me some of your sweat
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
