before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I'm always down for nudity.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
