Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
