I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
