FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Randomize
