I just saw a hot homeless man
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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