Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Randomize
