Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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