You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Randomize
