# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
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