the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
