I saw his package. It spoke to me.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
They have beer where we have blood.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
