Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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