I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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