stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Randomize
