I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
