...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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