Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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