in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
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