Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
