Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
