Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Randomize
