Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
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