While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
