It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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