I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
