then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
