im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
