I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
