I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
