there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Let's get the cat blown out
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
