Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
